Out of Control

IMG_4014Here recently I’ve been thinking a lot about my perspective on some things, and really stepping back to see “the bigger picture”. Mainly learning how to accept the things we can’t control or change, and learning to live through those seasons of our lives that seem really out of our hands. I’m going to be referencing a lot of memories and moments from my birth with my daughter Lucy, and some postpartum things as well today. Her birth story was so wild and unexpected that when I get to talking about acceptance of the unexpected I find myself really opening up and sharing how healing from her birth changed my perspective on how I view the things we can’t control.

I gave birth to Lucy via emergency cesarean, I don’t want to go into too much detail about the why’s and how’s of it all. Mainly so I don’t get off topic and also because I plan on doing an entire blog post sharing Lucy’s birth story eventually. However my cesarean was a complete surprise, and was not how I had envisioned how my birth would look like. Soon after I had her and had a couple weeks to process my birth I started referring to my cesarean birth as something I “ended up with”. I would say things like “Her heart rate dropped and I ended up in a c-section”. I had given myself a lot of excuses as to the events during my labor that led us to the operating room. I found myself having to explain why I needed a cesarean and made a lot of excuses for why that was my birth. It is crazy to think about how I had so much to heal from, mentally and physically from my birth and for so long after having her I found myself trapped in replaying the same things in my head that went “wrong”; the things I wasn’t able to control.

I’d say for the first year or so after my birth I was very sensitive discussing it. I had dealt with some postpartum depression and anxiety so that was a battle within itself going on in my head space, let alone trying to heal from a traumatic birth. After Lucy turned one, I started looking at my birth in a really new way. Since then I’ve stopped referring to my cesarean as something that I “ended up” with and started really accepting that was how Lucy was intended to be born into this world safely. I stopped making excuses, I realized I had been giving all these excuses to make myself seem like I hadn’t failed. I started asking myself what exactly did I fail to do? I rocked my birth, and looking back I was in so much peace in the operating room. My cesarean was apart of my story. I think we too often focus on our “plans” going right and when they don’t go as we expected we let that diminish our story.

I think 90% of things in my life don’t go as I planned them. I still let the uncontrollable have power over me in a lot of ways, when I shouldn’t. There is nothing wrong with not being okay with how something went down, and there is nothing wrong with needing time to heal and process and grieve the loss of an idea of how you thought it would go. However I also think it is very important to process and reflect and say to yourself; this did not go how I planned, but this is my story and I’m going to let myself be present in my story, I am going to learn and grow through this. Don’t let yourself get so caught up in worrying about what you can’t change that you forget to live in the now.

Before I wrap my thoughts up I want to take time to mention somethings to mother’s or future mother’s that may be reading this, since I made many birth references. Do not feel ashamed or weak in needing time to mentally and emotionally heal from your birth. When I used to try and talk about my birth I would get faced with a lot of people that would respond with “Well your baby is fine?”. To that I say, yes my baby is healthy, yes I love my baby, but needing to heal from your birth experience has nothing to do with how much love you have for your child. It does however have a lot to do with loving yourself, giving your self grace and allowing yourself the time to heal so that you can look back on that day in a healthier mindset. Whether that be talking to a therapist, which I did after my birth and highly recommend, or just talking to someone about it. Know that your health, and mental health especially is just as important.

With all that said, anything you may be trying to accept and come to terms with that can seem out of your reach, whether it be birth, a wedding, a job, really anything in your life. My advice to you is to breathe, and just try your best to be intentional on being in the moment and allowing yourself to live in your story, and focus on what you actually can change. Just be gracious to yourself in healing from what you can’t change. Like always I’m here for anyone if you need someone to chat to, feel free to hop on over to my instagram and message me! If you’ve read this far, thank you so much! I hope you enjoyed today’s blog post and I encourage you to write a comment and give me feedback or even let me know what more you’d like to see here on honeyhale.

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